


The Hurt You've Learned to Hide

by mizufallsfromkumo



Category: Common Law
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Partnership, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Travis, Suicide Attempt, Travis centeric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 03:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1802965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizufallsfromkumo/pseuds/mizufallsfromkumo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“See you tomorrow, Travis.”  Wes said after a moment.</p><p>Travis paused for a split second, turning back to glance at Wes, who was glancing at him rather than his paper work.  Like he was waiting for Travis to say something back.  Travis cursed in his head.  He didn’t feel like he could promise a tomorrow, currently, but he knew he had to say something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hurt You've Learned to Hide

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a 5-sentence fic prompt I got on tumblr. I wanted to expand on it because when I was writing the little fic I was like I need more for this. So I did it (in like two late nights and a morning).
> 
> I am somewhat proud of this fic, but at the same time I'm very nervous that I messed it up or didn't handle it well. I usually don't write stuff with content like that. I've been lucky enough to not know someone who has committed suicide, or been suicidal that I was aware off. I've never been in a situations like this, or anything (at this point in my life (not that I ever want to be)). Which is why I'm nervous because this is something I want to handle correctly for a lot of reasons. 
> 
> I'm probably overreacting or being overly cautious, but I apologize in advance if there is something wrong or off.

“Hey, is everything okay?”  Wes asked as he watched Travis collected his things from his desk after declaring it a day.    


 

His tone made Travis pause for a moment and blink at him.  The underlying concern of it had blindsided him.  Though he should have known something was up when Wes didn’t point out his mountain of paperwork.  “Yeah,”  Travis lied as slid his holster back on, smiling.  “Why wouldn’t it be, baby?”

 

Wes made a face.  “I don’t know,” Wes said like he was shrugging, but he didn’t move a muscle.  He just kept his eyes on Travis.  “You’ve just seemed a little off lately.”    


 

“The only one who is off is you, Wes.”  Travis countered easily.  He collected the rest of his things from his desk.  “I’m perfectly fine.”

 

Wes made a sound at the words.  Travis glanced at him as he slid on his jacket.  Wes was giving him a look that read  I know you’re lying about something, I just don’t know what.  However he dropped it after a moment and turned to glance at the paperwork he was doing.  He didn’t go back to doing it, he sort of fiddled with the pen in his hand.  Travis groaned inwardly.  Wes hasn’t dropped the issue, he had just paused briefly.

 

Travis took it as an opening to leave.    


 

“See you tomorrow, Travis.”  Wes said after a moment.

 

Travis paused for a split second, turning back to glance at Wes, who was glancing at him rather than his paper work.  Like he was waiting for Travis to say something back.  Travis cursed in his head.  He didn’t feel like he could promise a tomorrow, currently, but he knew he had to say something.  To at least shake Wes off his tail.

 

“Bye, Wes,”  Travis said with a smile, turning back and throwing up a hand.  It sounded normal, but tasted bitter sweet on his tongue.

 

He figured that would be enough for Wes.  After all they don’t usually part with long goodbyes or good nights.  Just quick and simple.  Besides he knew saying something was better than saying nothing.  Still Travis hurried out the department door and towards the elevators.  He gave some passing uniforms a passing smile, before ducking into the elevator and leaning heavily in a corner when the doors slid shut.

 

Come on, keep it together, Marks , he thought to himself as he pushed himself out of the corner.  He braced himself on the wall for a moment, urging himself to just pick himself up.  To get pass the emptiness, guilt, and crushing weight of feelings that came with being abandoned on a doorstep.  It makes him feel sick for a moment.  He took a deep breath and swallowed as the elevator chimed to a stop, and the doors slide open.

 

To his relief he found it was at the sublevel parking of the station.  He pushed his way out of the elevator, and made his way to his bike.  He gave a few nods to some of the uniforms coming in for their shifts.  One uniform told him to have a good night, and he just kind of saluted and quickened his pace to his bike.  He needed to get out of there before someone noticed.  If someone had though, they might have just chalked it up to a bad day.

 

Part of Travis wished it was a bad day, because he could handle a bad day.  Just grab a beer, or maybe a cigarette, and sort of wallow and counter his thoughts.  However, it had been a bad ten days in a row.  He had woken up each more hating himself and choking on a feeling of worthlessness.  The first two days weren’t bad, he was use to a day or two where he was just couldn’t shove it all down, so he had to cover it up.  After that it just got worse.  He handled the third and fourth day rather well, but the by the end of the fifth day he started having thoughts that made him want to just end it all.  After all who would notice that abandoned, forgotten Travis was gone.  He muddled through though, with fake smiles and general misdirection so no one noticed.  He knew it would come to point where it would level out and he would be okay.

 

However by day eight, his thoughts had turned more directly to suicide.

 

He pulled himself out of bed each morning after.  Battling the thoughts with the fact that he was braver than that.  He took down murderers and robbers.  It’s a tool, but it’s not a cure.  He could only take so much.  Travis knew he should get help or talk to someone, or something other than face it alone.   But he’s always faced stuff alone in foster care.  Despite all the kindred souls, they were all one their own in the world.  He had been unofficially diagnosed with depression by a roommate in college who was a psych major.  They took him to get help then, but not much had come of it.  Travis hadn’t been one for sharing.  He didn’t want to bother anyone with his boatload of issues then and he didn’t want to now.

 

When he reaches his bike, Travis quickly climbed on and peeled out of there.   He rode around somewhat aimlessly for a while, because sometimes riding helped.  In this case it didn’t, and he headed back to his apartment.    


 

Only he didn’t go to his apartment.  He parked his bike in his spot and just went up to the roof.  He took a few deep breaths when he cleared the door.  Stumbling a bit he made his way to his usual corner  He closed his eyes as his vision blurred and he felt the familiar burn of tears.  He tried fighting the urge to get on the ledge, but he just couldn’t take it anymore.

 

Carefully, Travis placed his gun and badge on the floor by the ledge.  He placed his wallet there as well.  He crawled up on the ledge, and glanced down as he let out a shaky breath.  His apartment building didn’t seem like it was overly high, but he knew it was enough.  After a moment of standing, he sat down on the edge.  He pulled out his phone, opened up the notes app he had, and started typing.

 

Writing had always been a way for Travis to let everything out when he got like this, since he wasn’t for talking.  He’s written countless suicide notes, but shredded or deleted them all.  Sometimes right after he wrote them and sometimes days after.  It had gotten the attention of his english teacher, once when he was fifteen.  Mr. Thompson had sent him to the guidance councilor after a talk with him, but Travis stone walled and they dropped the issue.   Still the writing helped him in ways people never could.

 

So did sitting on a ledge, or entertaining the thoughts of  suicide.  Travis knew it was a little twisted, but he never thought of himself as suicidal, even though he could be.  It was, in a way, just a method he used to talk himself out of it, because he could never seem to go through with it.  A way to convince himself he was better than that.  He was always careful though, he always did when or where he knew no one would notice.

 

His usual spot on his apartment building was on the far side, more towards the back of an alley way by the fire escape.  It was out of sight from the other surrounding buildings as well as street.  No one ever seemed to notice him when he was up there.

 

Once he finished typing, he read over what he had written.  He did it a few more time after that, and then some more.  He did it till he felt he had it practically memorized.  He stared at his phones screen for a moment.  Just breathing.  He closed his eyes and turned his head to the sky, being still.  His mind was racing, but it wasn’t thinking or feeling, it was just sort of going with no where in mind.    


 

Travis opened his eyes and turned back to his phone.  He selected all of the text and copied it.  He quickly opened his email, and pasted it in a new email.  He read it over one more time, before he turned his attention to ‘to’ and ‘subject’ line.  His breath caught for a moment as he stared at them. He had never put much thought into who would find him, or who he would want to find to him should he ever go through with anything.   


 

He suddenly typed in Wes’ email in the ‘to’ line, and wrote ‘Sorry Wes’ in the subject line.  It left right somehow.  Travis carefully got to his feet.  His eyes flicked back to his phone and the ground, and his thumb hovered above the send button.  He let out a shaky breath.

 

Part of him wanted to push the button and take the step off the ledge.  Travis had become so tired of handling it all alone.  Hiding the fact that he needed help from everyone, even Dr. Ryan and people who could genuinely help him.  A similar part felt like everyone would be better off he was gone.  Wes might go up in ranks, like Phil had after they split, and there wouldn’t be more gurling therapy for them to endure.  However there was a part of him that didn’t want to push it.  One reason being a small part of Travis didn’t want to through with it.  However, a more larger reason was it didn’t seem fair to notify Wes that way.  Either way it made Travis just sort of stand there.  Waiting.  Contemplating.

 

This is the closest he’s ever been.

 

“Travis?”  A familiar voice grumbled from the fire escape below, knocking Travis out of his thinking.  “Are you up on the roof?”   


 

Travis blinked in a bit of a panic when he realize the sun had gone down some.  The fading light of the sunset was all that was illuminating the area.  He hadn’t realized how much time had passed, if much had past at all.  Travis hadn’t been paying much attention to things once he left work.  He glanced at his phone, which had gone dark, and found he had three missed calls from Wes.  He turned to look at the fire escape where he could slightly see Wes making his way up, but Wes still couldn’t see him.

 

“Travis?!” Wes called sharply as he made his way to the final platform before the ladder to the roof.  “I know you can hear me, why aren’t you answering?”  Wes huffed with a sigh as he turned.  Wes stopped dead when he eyes landed on him.  “Travis!” The blonde called in a panic when he suddenly sprang back to life.

 

Wes hurried to the ladder to the roof.  Scrambling up as quickly as he could, and pulling himself up to the roof.  He started making his way towards Travis as fast as he could manage.

 

“Don't--” Travis warned sharply, holding out his hand.  Wes froze at the first syllable.  It made the full sentence clog in Travis’ throat.  He swallowed it and tried again.  “Don’t come any closer...or I’ll...jump.”  Travis said weakly when he realize he really would.

 

“Okay,”  Wes said easily, holding up his hands and not advancing.  “Okay, okay.”

 

A silence passed between them, and they just sort of watch each other.

 

“What are you doing, Travis?”

 

“Standing on a ledge,”  Travis snapped harshly.  Wes cringed at the words.  “What does it look like, Wes?”

 

“Travis, calm down, okay,” Wes said cautiously.  “Just calm down and--and l-let’s talk about this.”

 

“No, no, don’t you dare pull the talk down techniques they taught at the academy!” Travis said wildly, throwing up a hand.  The motion made him falter in his balance.  Not enough to make him fall, but more than enough for Wes to tense and half move towards Travis.  Travis just gave him a sharp look and continued talking.   “Don’t even think about it!  I don’t need it.  I’ve had enough empty caring in my lifetime, and I’m just tired of it. I don’t want it, so just...just save it.”    


 

Wes was silent.

 

Travis huffed and turned his attention back to the ground.  A small part of him had wanted Wes to persist.  To go forward with the techniques, or something.  Not just fall silent.  It was just a kick in the gut to the part of him that hoped.   See no one does care about sad little Travis Marks,  something in the back of his head taunted.

 

“Why?”  Wes asked suddenly.

 

“Why what, Wes?”  Travis asked turning to glance at Wes, who had seemed to inch a little closer.

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

Travis turned his eyes back to the ground below.  “I’m tired of it all.”  He started.  “Tired of the routines I fall into.  Tired of all the relationships I have.”  Travis took a deep breath and released it in a sudden broken and sickening laugh.   “Tired of waking up and thinking about putting a bullet in my head, or jumping off a building, or finding some way to stop breathing.  Tired of acting like everything is okay.  I’m just tired of living this life that no one cares about.”

 

“People care about your life, Travis.”  Wes said gently.

 

Travis let out another sick laugh, and ran a hand over his face.  He ignored the wetness on his cheeks.  “Who, Wes?  Because in case you haven’t notice it’s just us up here.”  Travis snapped bitterly.  “You and me, no one else.”

 

“That’s not fai--”

 

“You’re paid to work with me, Wes.” Wes made a sound at that.  “Don’t tell me what’s not fair.  No one cares about worthless, abandoned Travis.”

 

Wes fell silent again.

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”  Travis huffed.

 

“Money cares.”  Wes said suddenly.  “Money and all the foster parents and siblings you still have contact with care.  They still call you and see how you’re doing, and make sure you stay out of trouble, right?”

 

Wes paused for Travis to say or do something.  However the darker man did nothing shift his weight from foot to foot.  His mind was fighting Wes’ words.  Saying they were lies, words to just fill space and make him doubt.  They don’t have weight, because Wes is just doing what every other cop would do.  He doesn’t really care.

 

“Then there’s Sutton,” the blonde continued.  “Kate and Amy work with us all the time, and Kendall too.  Jonelle doesn’t act like it, but she does too, on a different level, but still.  Not to mention Randi and Hudson.”

 

Travis wanted to say something and point out Hudson was a dog and couldn’t care.  But he couldn’t, his throat felt clogged and heavy.  All he can produce is a strangled sort of sound.  He can’t see clearly either, but he didn’t remember when his vision got watery.  Travis’ mind was spinning.  Still trying to convince him that Wes was lying and just saying things to get him down.  However, there was something in the back of his head that told him Wes cared.  Because Wes  always cared.  It didn’t matter what the situation was, who the person was, or what their reasons were, there was always some part of Wes that cared.

 

“Alex cares too,”  Wes said, his voice soundly closer.  “You two are friends without me being married to her.  She’s would be here if she knew, they all would.  And don’t you say I don’t care about you.  Travis, I choose you, remember.  I’m yo--”

 

“Stop!”  Travis shouted suddenly, finding his voice and cutting Wes off.  He let out a shaky breath.  “Stop…stop talking...just stop.” Wes did as he was told.

 

Travis turned to look at his partner.  Wes was closer than he had been at the beginning of their exchange.  He was only a few steps away from being able to reach and grab Travis, and yank him back.  He had no doubt been inching closer to Travis when he could.  Travis didn’t even care that he hadn’t noticed.    


 

Wes was still where he stood.  Holding up his hands where Travis could see them.  His face his calm, filled with a rather neutral  trust me expression.  His eyes moved to meet Travis’.  Silence rests among them, and neither of them move.

 

Travis tore his eyes away from Wes, glancing away a bit, but still keeping Wes in his sighs.  Wes didn’t move or say anything.  Travis suddenly glanced down at the phone in his hand.  The screen had gone black again, but he was still holding his thumb like he was ready to press the send button on the email and end it all.  He hit the button that brought his phone back to like and unlocked it before thrusting it out towards Wes.

 

“Take it.”  Travis said impatiently not really looking at Wes.

 

“What is it?”    


 

“My phone,”  Travis said as Wes reached for it slowly, keeping his feet planted, “my note.”

 

Wes made a sound and nodded as he slowly took the phone from Travis’ fingertips.  Travis watched him straighten up and turn the phone so he could read it.  Only he didn’t read it.  He slowly squatted down, placing the phone of the a foot or so away from him on the floor.    


 

“Don’t put it down!”  Travis snapped.  “Read it.”

 

Wes just straightened back up.  But slowly, like he was handling some cornered animal and any sudden movements would end badly.    


 

“Read it!”  Travis shouted.

 

“I’m not going to read it, Travis, because you’re not going to jump.”

 

Travis stared at Wes, shuffling where he stood.  Wes’ eyes shift briefly down to Travis’ feet, but not for long.  Wes held out his hand and carefully approached Travis.  Travis turned away from him and stared at the ground.  It seemed so easy, just a step off, an apology, and it was done.  Yet he can’t seem to do it.

 

“We’re going to work this out, and get you some help.”  Wes continued gently.  “I’m not going to leave you alone in this.”

 

The feeling of a hand lightly wrapping around his and holding it loosely, made Travis snap out of his staring.  He turned to glanced and his hand, before following the arm back to Wes, who just seemed to be patiently waiting for him to act.  Travis suddenly clamped Wes’ hand tightly, like it was lifeline.  Travis could feel himself shaking and he can’t seem to form words.

 

“We’ll sort this out together. Step down when you’re ready.  I’ll stay here all night if you want.”  Wes said with a small but kind grin.  “I got your back in this.  I always have your back, even when you don’t think I do.  I’ll always make sure you're covered.  That’s what partners are for.”

 

They stayed standing there for a few more minutes.  Travis’ eyes flickering between Wes, the sort of death grip Travis had on his hand, and the ground below.  Slowly, Travis moved to get down from the ledge.  Wes kept hold on his hand and uttered small encouragements and reassurances as Travis came down, and he didn’t stop till both of Travis’ feet were firmly back on the roof top.  Travis sort of collapsed into Wes once the man let him go.

 

Wes wrapped his arms around him, and gently seemed to sink towards floor.  Wes’ hold was solid, yet light, and with a sort of warmth Travis never pictured the man possessing.  For the first time, though, Travis felt safe and cared about.  He buried his face in Wes’ shoulder and just sort of cried.  Well, it started out as crying, but it turned to sobs that wracked his body and made him latch on to Wes while sputtering out incoherent sentences.  He couldn’t think of the last time he cried, if he ever really had.  In foster care he kind of learned not too.

 

He heard Wes softly hush him, not to silence him, more to calm him down.  He felt one of Wes’ hand pet at the back of his head, and the other rest firmly on his back.  “It’s okay Travis, you’re okay.  I got you.”  Wes repeated quietly in Travis ear till the other calmed down.

 

Travis didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but the Sun had gone down completely and street lights had turned on, when he lifted his head.  He released his hold on Wes slowly.  He wiped his face with his hands hurriedly and sniffled, slightly ashamed it all just come out like that, but he felt more relief than anything.  Wes produced a tissue from where in his suit jacket, as Travis calmed his breathing.

 

That was when Travis noticed the wet spot on Wes’ shoulder.  “Sorry,” Travis said, causing Wes to look at him in confusion.  “I kind of ruined your suit jacket.”  Travis said half pointing to Wes’ shoulder.

 

Wes just glanced at it.  He made a sound that was just sort of like  oh look at that .  He quickly wiggled out of the jacket and examined it a bit as he got up.  “You’ve done worse.”  Wes said with some distaste in his tone at the memories, draping the jacket over Travis’ shoulders.

 

Suddenly, Travis laughed genuinely at the words.  Not because it was really funny, but it was just Wes’ usual manner of snark when they started bantering.  It was a welcomed change, and small sign to Travis that things weren’t going to change between them.  Wes lips pulled up to one side, as he moved away.  Travis moved to get up as well,  turning to watch Wes collect his things from the ground.    


 

“Come on, let’s go inside, and sort this out.”  Wes said, putting his hand on Travis’ back and guiding him towards the door to the stairwell when Travis pointed it out.  “I’ll make something to eat, and we’ll talk.”

 

Travis nodded.

 

When they got back to Travis apartment, Wes unlocked the door and pushed in.  He sat Travis down at the kitchen counter, taking his suit jacket, and help helping Travis out of his own leather jacket.  He found some throw blanket and placed it on Travis’ shoulders.  Wes made dinner after that, it wasn’t anything fancy, Travis didn’t have much for him to work with.  They talked about things.  Wes made Travis promise to tell Sutton and Dr. Ryan the next day, once they had gotten Travis some help.  They would just from there after.

 

Wes spent the night at Travis’ place.  “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Travis.  It’s just I don’t trust you with yourself.”  Wes had stated when Travis huffed and puffed a bit about it.   


Wes made a point though, and Travis was thankful he knew he could wake up and find Wes nodding in a chair, guarding him.  It was nice to know he wasn’t alone anymore.


End file.
